Crazy - Old Stuff

I didn’t share something with you in the fall. I kept in contact with Sasha for two months from end of September till end of November. I am not proud of this act. Maybe I shouldn’t do that, maybe I should…. I don’t know what would be the correct way…. But what I know now is that I didn’t regret that we were meeting couple of times. I know, I know…. He is married, and even tho I was able to meet with him. Probably you are blaming me now for it. You are right, and I accept it. I know it wasn’t appropriate, but I couldn’t resist for talking to him. I wanted to see him so bad. I wanted to know what is going on with him. His wife didn’t move to Dallas yet at that time. (I was wondering what a marrige that after the wedding 7 months passed and they didn’t live together yet) Probably, she is here in Dallas now. I don’t know, because we are not in contact anymore. It is the best for now. I had a very hard time. I had a very hard two months, while I was seeing him. I remember the very first meeting after 8 months not seeing eachother or knowing anything about each other. This meeting was in end of September. We met in Starbucks, than wanted to go to watch a movie, but we misschecked the show time so we just ended up in a restaurant. That conversation was so nice over there, but painful at the same time. The strange thing I didn’t feel that we didn’t talk such a long time. Everything went so smoothly, it seemed we  said good bye at the Dallas airport couple of days ago. However it was 1,5 year ago when I left from him. I was definitely happy to see him again. At that lunch I was crying why talking to him. He seemed sensitive too, but didn’t cry at that moment. However, his eyes were watery too. We were hugging a lot. I know he cares about me. I know he always cared about me. I don’t care what other people say about him, I know how was our relationship, and I am pretty sure that he loved me. My friends in Dallas always say that he is an asshole, and he just used me. But I know, it is not true, it may seem like, but I know his feelings. After that lunch when we said goodbye he started to cry. You wouldn't see him cry often. It is very rare. Seeing his tears meant a lot to me. He didn't need to talk. I knew everything without words.

So for two months we were meeting quiet a lot. We went for a movie, lunch, dinner. He was even cooking for me. (My favorite Iranian dishes.) I was always afraid someone will see us. Everything was a  secret. I didn't even tell to my friends. I knew they would kick my ass. They would be super upset with me knowing that I was seeing him. However I told to my family. I even told to my mom, and she was crying with me through the phone. She knew how much I loved him. I know I did a lot’s of mistake. However I don’t want to feel that everything was just my mistakes. It was his too. It was both of us mistakes. We weren't ready to face with all those culture differences.

In the first month I was just happy seeing him again, but in the second month it was very painful. It started to hurt so bad. I started to cry a lot. Almost every day. I didn’t recognize myself. I became so weak, terribly weak. It was hard to see that I am down that much again. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to see my friends that often, and I didn’t want to go out/socialize at all.

Than day by day, I realized that it is not good that we are in contact and we need to stop seeing each other. I told him, and we tried to keep distance. We didn’t meet for a month, but still talking a lot through messages. Than slowly we completely stopped talking. Without saying anything. But you know what, I know he doesn’t need explanation, how I don’t need it either. Without words we can understand each other and the situation. The ggod thing that we didn’t argue at all during these two months. We didn’t say anything bad to each other. We kinda act like “grown ups” J.

I didn’t regret it because I had nice time with him and also I understood again that this broke up was for our best. I trully loved him, and after all these situation I say he is a good man, and he has a good heart. Not everything clear is about him, and about his marriage, because he didn’t want to talk about it to me, and I didn’t want to force him to talk about it. He said couple of things on what I surprised tho.

By the way he still has all the decorations that I made in his house. He keeps everything on the same place how I left it more than 1,5 years ago: same candles, flowers and so on. I was surprised on this, because I think it is not good that after being married seeing all these stuff I made every day. Maybe boys don’t care… just we girls are like that… but honestly it was strange because he even kept in his room the little stone what I got for him from San Francisco written on it Love with Japanese letters.

Again, I am not proud of this two months, but I still wanted to share it, because it was part of my life too. It was something what I did tho. I don’t think it would make any sense to write blog if I lie or keep things in secret. That is my life. This is me. This is Dalma and  her life in America. This is my “americandream”.

I am able to say from my heart that I wish happiness for him. And if there wouldn’t be love I couldn’t say this from the bottom of my heart. I know God has a plan with him, and with me as well. I know he knows why he wanted us to not be together. I may not understand everything now, but I know I am in good hands. I accept his plan, and his will. I believe in him. Amen