2015. január 26., hétfő

Crazy - Old Stuff

I didn’t share something with you in the fall. I kept in contact with Sasha for two months from end of September till end of November. I am not proud of this act. Maybe I shouldn’t do that, maybe I should…. I don’t know what would be the correct way…. But what I know now is that I didn’t regret that we were meeting couple of times. I know, I know…. He is married, and even tho I was able to meet with him. Probably you are blaming me now for it. You are right, and I accept it. I know it wasn’t appropriate, but I couldn’t resist for talking to him. I wanted to see him so bad. I wanted to know what is going on with him. His wife didn’t move to Dallas yet at that time. (I was wondering what a marrige that after the wedding 7 months passed and they didn’t live together yet) Probably, she is here in Dallas now. I don’t know, because we are not in contact anymore. It is the best for now. I had a very hard time. I had a very hard two months, while I was seeing him. I remember the very first meeting after 8 months not seeing eachother or knowing anything about each other. This meeting was in end of September. We met in Starbucks, than wanted to go to watch a movie, but we misschecked the show time so we just ended up in a restaurant. That conversation was so nice over there, but painful at the same time. The strange thing I didn’t feel that we didn’t talk such a long time. Everything went so smoothly, it seemed we  said good bye at the Dallas airport couple of days ago. However it was 1,5 year ago when I left from him. I was definitely happy to see him again. At that lunch I was crying why talking to him. He seemed sensitive too, but didn’t cry at that moment. However, his eyes were watery too. We were hugging a lot. I know he cares about me. I know he always cared about me. I don’t care what other people say about him, I know how was our relationship, and I am pretty sure that he loved me. My friends in Dallas always say that he is an asshole, and he just used me. But I know, it is not true, it may seem like, but I know his feelings. After that lunch when we said goodbye he started to cry. You wouldn't see him cry often. It is very rare. Seeing his tears meant a lot to me. He didn't need to talk. I knew everything without words.

So for two months we were meeting quiet a lot. We went for a movie, lunch, dinner. He was even cooking for me. (My favorite Iranian dishes.) I was always afraid someone will see us. Everything was a  secret. I didn't even tell to my friends. I knew they would kick my ass. They would be super upset with me knowing that I was seeing him. However I told to my family. I even told to my mom, and she was crying with me through the phone. She knew how much I loved him. I know I did a lot’s of mistake. However I don’t want to feel that everything was just my mistakes. It was his too. It was both of us mistakes. We weren't ready to face with all those culture differences.

In the first month I was just happy seeing him again, but in the second month it was very painful. It started to hurt so bad. I started to cry a lot. Almost every day. I didn’t recognize myself. I became so weak, terribly weak. It was hard to see that I am down that much again. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to see my friends that often, and I didn’t want to go out/socialize at all.

Than day by day, I realized that it is not good that we are in contact and we need to stop seeing each other. I told him, and we tried to keep distance. We didn’t meet for a month, but still talking a lot through messages. Than slowly we completely stopped talking. Without saying anything. But you know what, I know he doesn’t need explanation, how I don’t need it either. Without words we can understand each other and the situation. The ggod thing that we didn’t argue at all during these two months. We didn’t say anything bad to each other. We kinda act like “grown ups” J.

I didn’t regret it because I had nice time with him and also I understood again that this broke up was for our best. I trully loved him, and after all these situation I say he is a good man, and he has a good heart. Not everything clear is about him, and about his marriage, because he didn’t want to talk about it to me, and I didn’t want to force him to talk about it. He said couple of things on what I surprised tho.

By the way he still has all the decorations that I made in his house. He keeps everything on the same place how I left it more than 1,5 years ago: same candles, flowers and so on. I was surprised on this, because I think it is not good that after being married seeing all these stuff I made every day. Maybe boys don’t care… just we girls are like that… but honestly it was strange because he even kept in his room the little stone what I got for him from San Francisco written on it Love with Japanese letters.
Again, I am not proud of this two months, but I still wanted to share it, because it was part of my life too. It was something what I did tho. I don’t think it would make any sense to write blog if I lie or keep things in secret. That is my life. This is me. This is Dalma and  her life in America. This is my “americandream”.

I am able to say from my heart that I wish happiness for him. And if there wouldn’t be love I couldn’t say this from the bottom of my heart. I know God has a plan with him, and with me as well. I know he knows why he wanted us to not be together. I may not understand everything now, but I know I am in good hands. I accept his plan, and his will. I believe in him. Amen 

2015. január 2., péntek

Little update

Hello everyone…
 I know I didn’t give you any update in the last few months. Honestly I was super busy with school, work, gym, and of course friends. (I always make time for them!). I wish I would update more often tho. There are lots of things happened recently, I still want to post about those events; however, I decided to give you quick update about what is going on right now. Guess where am I right now? On a flight…. And where am I going? To Budapest. If everything goes okay I will land in an hour. So excited to see my sister, nephew and brother in law. I didn’t tell to anyone that I am going home, because I wanted it to be a surprise. Actually I told to my brother in law, because he is coming to pick me up at the airport. My flight from Chicago was delayed with 2 hours. Haha. As always!!! I would surprise if once I fly somewhere everything would go smoothly. So, it really seemed that I will miss my other connection from London to Budapest, that’s why I told to my brother in law to tell to my sister that I am coming, because she may would get upset why and where he needs to leave on New Year’s ‘Eve. Oh, yeah today is 31st of December.

I have so many things to write about, and I don’t even know now where to start. First of all, my host family split up. It is final at this time. They had arguments throughout the year. One day they were happy, and the other day they weren’t. This is not life. They were screaming couple of times in front of me too. They always said sorry for doing this in front of me….. I felt uncomfortable tho. When they were fighting in December, I thought it last for a few days, and after that everybody is happy again. Well, not at this time. Warren made them to move out. So, Amanda and the kids left the house after Christmas on the 26th.  He actually told her to move out like 10 days prior, but she hoped they can fix their problem again. It didn’t happen. Warren seemed that this time it is final. I was driving Amanda’s car, so the first thing I needed to do is buying a car. I found a really nice Chevrolet Sonic, 2012. 

I was so happy for it. However, I wasn’t ready to buy a car literally from one day to the other. I never bought a car here, and I didn’t even know what documents I need, I didn’t know anything about insurances. At the same time, I didn’t even have time to look for it deeply, since I had to help Amanda packing her and the kid’s stuff. I spent my Christmas with boxing. 

 I felt sorry for Amanda and Ryder, but not for Alex. She is a mean girl, and her behavior is terrible. I hope she will change now, at least a little bit. She was spoiled way too much.

One day before Christmas quarter of my tooth broke. Yeap, it sounds funny, but it happened. How? I tried to open a pistachio with my teeth. I learned my lesson from it and I hope you too! Never, ever try to open anything with your teeth. It was that bad that I couldn’t wait till May or June, when I planned to go home for a vacation. Since I don’t have dental insurance it would cost so much to fix my teeth in U.S. Seriously it is cheaper if I get a flight ticket + pay for my teeth back home than go to dentist in Dallas. The other reason is making the decision to visit home is because I felt so overwhelmed in that situation with my host family. They put me in the middle of everything. They didn’t want to have normal conversation. Through me they were communicating. I felt emotionally down. I was stressed for couple of days till I found a car and so on. I didn’t want to leave to Europe without having a car, because when I get back I need to go to school, find a job and so on.

I even missed gym for a WHOLE week. This is a disaster for me. I never do that. Few last days I had to run lots of errands plus going to stores buying gifts to family, friends and so on.
Warren and I decided that I stay there even without kids, look for the dogs, clean and keep organized the house. He can still give a little money, but that wouldn’t be enough for anything, but now I can have a part time job or more. I may need to go back cleaning houses if I don’t find nanny job. But you know what? I don’t care. I do everything what I can. Especially now when I had to put my saved money to a car.  I am sure a great year is waiting for me and I can save up again. I don’t want to worry about money, but I need to start working hard from Monday till Sunday when I go back. I hope it will not take long time to find a job. I was already talking with some families, and it would sound awesome. They even liked me. But, the problem is that they need someone from 5th of January when school starts. In Europe I can’t use those applications for looking childcare job. I need to wait till I get back to Dallas. Now I just want to make all my teeth nice again, and have a quality time with my family and friends. Who knows when can I see them again? I am so curios what is my mom and dad reaction going to be when they see me. J I was just talking to them on viber from Chicago Airport. Haha. It was noisy because of the speakers, and I told them I am on a bus station. They didn’t realize anything. They forgot I don’t even use bus in Dallas. Haha. Also, my other sister, who leaves in the next village in Transylvania, just got a baby 2 weeks ago. I can’t wait to hold her. They don’t know either that I am going home. Actually I told to 3 friends, one from Brussels, and the other from Budapest and the third one is from back home. I always wanted to do a surprise arrival, but I couldn’t keep it in secret because I was that excited about going home. In this case I could, because I booked my ticket just a week ago. Even one week was hard to not tell to my friends. It was so funny when they texted or called me and they said last year at this time I was home with them. I was just smiling that I will surprise you again in couple of days.

I feel I done so much things in this year, I know another great year is waiting for me with new hopes and bigger dreams. Honestly, I love my life and I wouldn’t change anything on it.